Oly Lowlife 10-2-13

Frivolity Blotter

Date/Time: 8/31/13, 15:21 Hours

Location: 1200 Block Fern St., Oly

Incident: “Mullet in Your Head!”

As the old axiom goes, good fences make good neighbors. Unfortunately, apartments don’t have fences.

When a man, who lives in an apartment with his family, had the audacity to converse “loudly” with one of his children in the parking lot of their domicile, a cantankerous neighbor roundly objected. According to the police report, soon after the conversation started, said neighbor came outside and told the father and child to, “Shut the fuck up or I am going to put a bullet in your head.” The father reported that the angry woman was “holding something in her hands,” and it appeared that she was pointing the object in his direction. The man stated that he could not tell for certain if the “something” was a gun.

Another neighbor who witnessed the confrontation told police that the irate woman then began yelling insults and threats at other occupants of the apartment complex, the most classic of which was, “I am going to kick (your) ass.”

When police arrived they contacted the victims and witnesses and then attempted to contact the suspect inside of her apartment. According to the officer, when she came to the door she insisted she had been sleeping that afternoon. Upon further questioning however, the woman relented and instead insisted that her neighbors had been threatening her. The accused ended her meandering defense with a Johnnie Cochran meets Billy Ray Cyrus introduction of plausible deniability, insisting that she had said she would put a “mullet” not “bullet,” in her neighbors head.

Although no weapon was found, the OPD officer remained unconvinced of the woman’s true innocence and placed her under arrest for suspicion of two counts of Harassment.  While being transported for booking, the woman reportedly made more threats to her arresting officer, telling him to, “Watch (his) back, because she kn(ows) who (he is).” The woman denied that this was meant to be a threat.

End of report.

Date/Time: 9/3/13, 17:39 Hours

Location: 5900 Littlerock RD, Tumwater

Incident: Miscalculations and Pipe Dreams

When a woman attempted to board an Intercity Transit bus in front of Wal-Mart with a bundle of 12-15 foot long PVC pipes things got plugged up in a hurry.

As soon as the bus driver saw the size and quantity of piping the woman was carrying she informed the woman that she would not be allowed to ride the bus due to space, storage, and safety concerns. The pie-eyed piper instantly became enraged and began verbally abusing the bus driver. After enduring the extended rant, the bus driver relented and allowed the woman to attempt to find a suitable storage place for her piping “in an effort to keep the peace.”

This strategy backfired worse than a Ford Pinto with a potato plugged tail pipe. After attempting to stow the pipes under the seat and failing, the woman tried stashing them “in, on, and around the seats with no better luck.”

Now frustrated at her failed attempts and the growing impatience of the other bus riders, the woman upped her verbal barrage of the bus driver. Out of options, and presumably running out of air in her windbags, the woman gathered her pipes up and swung them violently side-to-side as she made her way off the bus. The whipping pipes hit at least one passenger as well as the bus driver in the back of the head, aggravating a pre-existing whiplash injury on the driver. The woman then walked off in a hurried huff, southbound on Littlerock Road.

Responding Tumwater Police officers located the suspect, without the pipes, walking toward Home Depot. After making contact with the woman, the PVC pipes were located in a bundle a short distance away. The suspect explained that she was headed to Home Depot in order to have her pipes cut to a length that would allow her access to the bus. The woman told police that the bus driver “was being difficult and ridiculous.” She denied assaulting anyone on purpose, although she did admit that her PVC pipes may have struck some passengers inadvertently. Righteously, she did admit to calling the driver, “a disgusting human being.”

The woman was placed under arrest for Assault in the 3rd Degree (with consideration of 4th degree) and Disorderly Conduct. Her PVC pipes were transported via police truck for “safekeeping” at the Tumwater police station evidence room.

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