Olympia Lowlife 6-12-13

Frivolity Blotter

Date/Time: 5/16/2013, 22:24 Hours

Location: The Evergreen State College

Incident: Even Squares Can Have a Ball


We have all heard, and possibly perpetuated, the rote stereotypes that are supposed to summarize out of state drivers. California drivers are speed racers, changing lanes on a whim. Oregon drivers are rumored to be slow and they “camp out” in the fast left lane. As the legendary comedian George Carlin once postulated, “Have you ever noticed that anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot, and anybody who drives faster is an asshole? It’s amazing we get anywhere with all of these idiots and assholes all over the road.” After a recent incident at The Evergreen State College, we Warsh-ing-tonians can add another license plate to the look-out list: The Okie.

According to TESC Police Services (TESCPS), witnesses near the Campus Activities Building (CAB) reported that a vehicle had just completely obliterated a stone bench while driving on a restricted part of the main campus. Witnesses reported that the vehicle was red/maroon, and that it was “high in the air”, aka, an SUV. According to the eyewitness accounts, the driver of the SUV piloted his vehicle about the main campus area in a haphazard manner, slowly going back and forth with no apparent destination. At some point, as the driver was backing up his car to turnaround, he backed directly into a large, heavy stone seating bench. The bench was a dedicated memorial to the victims of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The collision completely flattened the bench and broke some of the heavy stone slabs into pieces. The driver then drove away from the scene without checking on the damage he had caused or attempting to locate any college personnel to help cleanup the broken memorial bench. Damage to the bench was estimated at $1,500.

Using a partial Oklahoma license plate number and the eyewitness descriptions of the bench mauling vehicle, an Evergreen parking enforcement officer was able to track down the vehicle in F-Lot the next day. On the rear bumper, just below a bumper sticker that read, “Consume Less. Share More.”, there was minor damage consistent with backing into a large, heavy object, such as a stone bench. Using a campus vehicle registry database a TESC police officer located the vehicle’s registered owner at his listed on-campus address. When contacted by police at his residence the driver agreed to speak about the incident. The driver told the police officer that he knew he had backed up into something, but when he looked in his mirror it appeared as though he had only bumped into some cinder blocks. It should be noted, that the former bench did look like a pile of cinder blocks AFTER it had been crushed by the SUV. Before hand though, it looked JUST like a stone bench for sitting.

When asked for a drivers license, the student provided an expired Oklahoma license. The police officer then told the student that he had in fact been driving in a restricted area that was meant only for service and emergency vehicles. The student replied that he knew he needed a valid drivers license, but he “had no idea there were restrictions on where people could drive on campus.”

The TESCPS officer forwarded a charge of Hit and Run to the Thurston County Prosecutor for consideration. Hopefully the prosecutor is a Merle Haggard fan and remembers that the proud Okie comes from a land where “beads and Roman sandals won’t be seen. Football is still the roughest thing on campus. And the kids (there) still respect the college dean.” ◙

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