Olympia Lowlife 5-29-13

Frivolity Blotter

Oly Lowlife




Date/Time: 5/6/2013, 19:50 Hours


Location:  415 4th Ave., Olympia


Incident:  Cellphones, Etc. . .




A generous young woman lent her cellphone out to her ex-boyfriend so he could listen to music.  Two sore eye sockets, a “pocket-dial” and a recorded confession later, the freeloader was the one who wound up with the charges.




According to police report, the ex-boyfriend, 25 at the time of the incident, refused repeated requests to return the cellphone.  After “a few days” the young woman, 18, and her new boyfriend, 17, took a trip downtown in order to do a little cellphone retrieval work.  According to the young woman, her ex-boyfriend is known to frequent downtown Olympia.




Some first-rate gumshoeing, and a stroll by the artesian well, put the amorous Dick/Tracy duo right in line with their mark.  When the Ex-boyfriend was spotted at the urban oasis, New-Boyfriend called out for him to return the phone to their common interest, asking, “Look, can you just give (Girlfriend) the phone back?”  The response was quick, and conclusive as Ex-boyfriend proceeded to punch New-Boyfriend once in the left eye, and again in the right eye, and then calling him a word that rhymes with rich, “before fleeing the area.”




The Olympia Police were contacted by the new couple shortly after the incident in order to report the assault.  The couple said that they believed the phone had been sold for money to buy “drugs and alcohol”.  The OPD subsequently attempted to contact the suspected phone thief and face-puncher by calling his mother at her home, his last listed home address.  The mother of the accused told the investigating police officer that her son no longer lived at the address and that she did not know how to contact him.  The next day, the same officer was contacted by 911-dispatch and told that they were in possession of an audio recording from, what they believed to be, an inadvertent “pocket-dial”.  After listening to the recording, the officer noted that the woman’s voice sounded “identical to that of (the suspect’s) mother.”  The man’s voice is suspected to be her son, the suspect.  See Transcript:




(Woman’s voice) “You got a call from OPD last night saying they would like to speak with you about an assault downtown.”


(Man’s voice)  “No, I didn’t assault anyone last night.’


(Woman’s voice) “All I’m relaying is what the officer said.”


(Man’s voice)  ”It wasn’t last night, it was the night before.”


(Woman’s voice) “Well last night is the night I got called. So the night before you hit somebody?”


(Man’s voice)  “Yeah, (Ex-girlfriend’s) new little boy toy.  Because he got all talking in my face acting like he’s king shit, talking to me like I’m some little. . .(LINE DISCONNECTED)”




With the audio tapes logged as evidence, the OPD forwarded a charge of 4th Degree Assault to the County Prosecutor for consideration.  In any case, it would seem prudent for the accused to avoid contact/proximity to cellphones for the foreseeable future.




Date/Time: 5/5/2013, 14:13 Hours


Location:  500 Block Capitol Ave., Olympia


Incident:  A Bad Man




Early May brought lots of sunshine, and with the sunrays came local residents eager to dust off their cabin fever, don their sun-day best and head off to their favorite local outdoor market.   Not everyone is able to shake off their SAD residue quite that fast however, and the dreary doldrums follow them around like grey clouds over Eeyore.  When those two conditions meet, tornadic like turbulence is likely to strike.




A mother and her seven year old daughter, decidedly of the “sunshine crew”, enjoyed their spring afternoon with a trip around the downtown Farmers Market.  After parsing all of the fruit, veggies, and confectionary delights, the mother and daughter began a leisurely walk away from the market.  According to eye witnesses, the mother and her young daughter were approached on the sidewalk by another pedestrian, wearing a long sleeve yellow shirt and black pants, aka not of the Sunshine Crew.  As the parties crossed paths, the 26 year old man in black and yellow lunged out and pushed the seven year old girl off of the sidewalk and into a wooden fence.  The shove was hard enough to make the girl leave her feet and drop her snowcone, and the impact with the wood fence caused lacerations to her legs and elbow.  The man shouted at the girl, “F-You.  What’s your problem?” before leaving the area on foot.




Contacted a short distance away by police the suspect did not mince words.  When asked what had happened while he was walking near the market, the man replied, “She fell down.”  The OPD officer then asked if “she” meant a little girl, and the suspect replied, “Yes. She fell over.”  When asked how the girl had fallen over, the suspect replied, “I pushed her.”  Why did he push a defenseless seven-year old girl?  “Because she looked at me the wrong way.  She gave me the evil eye.”  The OPD officer pondered wether the girl may have been looking at him strangely because he was dressed so heavily, the suspect responded, “Yes.  It’s spring.”




The overdressed heliophobe was booked into jail and charged with one count of Assault of a Child in the 3rd degree.

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