C&C* Astrology Factory 8-22-12

*Correlation & Causation

When God, free will, and happenstance are busy, they call me: John Swamini

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

Lately you have possessed a Godzilla-like subtlety. No one can sarcastically quip “wait, tell us how you really feel” because they are terrified you are going to step on their grandmother’s seaside cottage. Take some muscle relaxers or a few belts or Scotch. I’d even consider combining the two.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

One person really needs to hear what you think today and there is no time to figure out whom. So tell everyone what you think, about everything. Don’t stop when pressed to stop. This one time it is ok to be THAT person who is usually clueless that no one wants to hear what they think.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Even though you could, you do not have to kick ass EVERY day. TCB is one step away from TCBY… kick back and suck down some Froyo. Get jimmies.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Stop using catch phrases from television shows in your day-to-day conversations, unless of course talking about said show. Asides that quote a show are still ok.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

The point of being an underdog is motivational; to push yourself beyond what you were thought you were capable of and overcome the odds to success. It is not to be used as a crutch for why you suck and shouldn’t even bother trying.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)

Those endless magazine covers promising EASY solutions to your life problems are handing you a line. If we’re all so messed up to sustain the sheer volume of self-help books, magazine, and fads out there, it lends itself to consider that we need more than a quick fix.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)

What you are about to do right now… that is EXACTLY how the Punic wars got started, so reconsider because in this scenario, you are Carthage.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Someone’s cranky social media complaint is not an opportunity for you to move in with your proposition, Sketchy McSketcherson.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Proper dental hygiene is essential because there are some days when you need to put on a face and smile bright no matter how unpleasant it seems.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You’ll have more fun if you make plans well in advance and maintain the tenacity to adapt to the unexpected.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Work issues are looming large today; especially at the local weavers guild.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Chock full of great ideas today? Write them down in detail or you will forget about them.

* Never landed anything on Mars.

** Ignoring 4 pounds of thawed pork belly in order to tell you how to live your life.