Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Don’t attempt to be in the eye of the storm. Be the storm. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Staying ahead of the curve means you’re likely straight and narrow all the time. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You cannot waste time today. If you can’t take bigger bites, you need to put less on your plate. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Reinventing yourself in tiny increments is so much more rewarding that trying to do a complete makeover overnight. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Attention to the tail is crucial this month. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
You are all about communication today; don’t waste it on the people you easily jive with. Take this power and bridge gaps with the surly bastards who have been jamming you up all month. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Some days are just great for being completely analytical. I hope you feel the same way. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You have two feet and one mouth, so unless you are kicking twice as much ass compared to the amount of shit you talk, you need to rethink your attitude. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Don’t spend all your effort reading between the lines or you won’t know what the lines have to say. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Sweep the leg. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You think it is an accident they call it a “crush”?! Holding it in is killing you; time to relieve yourself all over that person. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Sometimes you need duct tape and gorilla glue to get people to listen to your ideas. This week, your genius is worthy of industrial grade epoxy… use it. Also, donate to Planned Parenthood and write passionate letters to Susan G. Komen.
* Hijacks the senses using cute fuzzy bunny technology.
** Does not give into the cute and fuzzy bunnies.