C&C Astrology* Factory
(Correlation & Causation)
When god, free will, and happenstance are busy, they call me: John Swamini**
* A regular farce of nature.
** Is having the worst Friday of his life since they pronounced Tupac dead in 1996.
Aries: As much as you need to communicate with people today, you’re going to have to pin a hundred dollar bill on your ass, screaming “victim here!” while conducting a troupe of horn playing seals dashing off a spanking rendition of “Battle Hymn of the Republic” in order to get anyone’s attention.
Taurus: Time for those hot pants to come out of retirement! Love, or something approximating it, is in the air and you don’t want it catching you under dressed. Stock up on mood lights and a bottle of Mateus.
Gemini: You may feel a bit stressed out today, but don’t allow some dingy noodge to give you stupid advice like “don’t forget; keep breathing!” It is physically impossible to voluntarily stop breathing. If you have involuntarily stopped, you have bigger problems than a little stress and said dingy noodge should be calling 911.
Cancer: If you are relaxing, continue to do so; you deserve a break. If you are relaxed, get off your lazy bum and contribute.
Leo: People like to tell you to focus on the present but due to human physiology, nerve response, and brain processing nonsense, the present is really 1/30th of a second ago, so we should all be focusing on the immediate past. The devil is in the details
Virgo: The best way to build a new is to befriend an architect/engineer. The best way to make new friends is to be yourself and not be attracted to jerkwads.
Libra: You’re totally in charge today Libra. For whatever reason: election by your peers, best person for the gig, or William the Conquered their ass, you are the boss. Now get some shit done before you wake up and realize that you are living a life you despise and start protesting yourself. P.S. You’re bad at protesting.
Scorpio: If you decide to play it safe today, you really aren’t. You need to play it safe all the time, like everyday, or you are just postponing the inevitable.
Sagittarius: Some people profess quality takes time. Should it be someone else’s time you’re taking though? You need to invest more of yourself into what your doing and quit jerking other people around.
Capricorn: Take comfort in what is familiar for now, but do not linger too long or that whole thing with the contempt will set in.
Aquarius: Not feeling yourself today Aquarius? If that were me, I’d stay at home in bed… wink wink, nudge nudge, honk honk, nod nod, hubba hubba, arrrrrrrrooooooooooogah!
Pisces: You are feeling much more thoughtful than usual and if that is a huge change in your personality, then you need to make the best use of this limited time offer as you can and start atoning for being a crank.