Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You and your friends are getting along extremely well this week. This is the best time to take advantage and abuse their trust. I am not saying you should do this, but if you are that kind of person, strike when the iron is hot.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
The earlier in the day you can get started on projects, the earlier you can throw up your arms in frustration and hit happy hour. Bartenders love defeated sourpusses.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
“You don’t know who you’re dealing with!” can either be a bit of bravado or a wake-up call that you need to get a grip on your life and take control. Either way it is not good, so if you hear it, react.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It is time to get emotionally sweaty.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Still not paying attention to the world around you? Neither was Brad Pitt in “Meet Joe Black” and that is the WORST film death in the history of Hollywood. Be better than “Meet Joe Black”.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
The next time you are having a mood swing, embrace your inner teen and enlist a friend to get behind you and push. Then, go split a skunky beer and listen to Joy Division.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
“Weaving a web of mystery” is just a way of gussying up “lying lies out of your lying ass” and yet we all get enraptured by that kind of linguistic nonsense, don’t we Libra? And, if it were not infuriating enough, we’re always the first to get butt-hurt when someone plainly tells it like it is. Can we work on that this week please?
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Time to unlock your inner Mario and take it to the next level. Get one up on your competition by eating extra vegetables so you’ll be on fire and practically invincible (for a limited time).
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You must fully immerse yourself in whatever you attempt this week. This is no time for half-assing it. You are going to need full ass investment to make it work.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Unless you are on fire or being eaten by dingoes, put aside your need for instant gratification.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Your depth is legendary! The depth of your depravity and of the stuff you’ve been shoveling. Save the speeches, and the contrition for later and either dig a hole and hide or nut up and make it right, because the cat is out of the bag.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Keep people at arm’s length today, especially those that need to be slapped upside the head.
* Prefers sand to snow for the burying heads.
** Is sick of all these stupid snow puns. Shut yer yaps, go buy a shovel, and obey city ordinances.