Dear Auntie MacKenzie,
My family never comes to see me for the holidays. Why do I always have to see them? Should I cut back the time that I am spending with them, or should I try to find some way to make them understand? I don’t think I want to spend the holidays with them this year. How do I tell them?
Children traditionally go to visit their parents. Now, I’m not saying it’s not wrong or hurtful or it’s not the 21st century and that kind of thinking should stop. You’ve really asked me two questions. In answer to the first question: when you visit, you should set up some guidelines for yourself.
1. Make sure they know you are coming ahead of time and why. For example, “I’m coming for a visit and I will be there Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and I will be leaving the next day by 8AM.”
2. Do not combine the visit with anything else or any other purpose. If you are spending the holidays with your family, be sure to do just that, or expect to hear, “you’re leaving but we barely got a chance to see you.”
3. Inevitably, when the emotional blackmail starts, stand your ground. I know you do miss them, but it’s rough being the only one who puts the effort in to visiting. It’s emotionally and financially draining.
Now for the second question: if you want to tell your family you aren’t going to come for a visit this year, there will be different hurdles for that. Firstly, you face the possibility of feeling very lonely. Secondly, you will end up with some emotional repercussions from telling them, “Thanks but no thanks.” Make sure you want to deal with that before you say anything.
I finally stopped visiting family as frequently because I became sick and tired of always being the one to drive and spend the money to visit. I wanted my house to be full with the sound of my nieces and nephews and the rest of my family on the holidays. When I finally approached my sister with my concerns, she just became angry and refused to talk to me for over a year. Not talking to her is not my thing; life is too short for stuff like that. I have stopped expecting anything in the way of a visit.
It is obvious that you want to feel good and at peace on the holiday. You might want to call them on those days and tell them that you love your family whether or not you are physically there. Maybe this way they’re going to understand better and they’re going to reconsider their attitude. I wish you all the luck with that. ◙
Send your most personal questions for Auntie MacKenzie to olympiapowerandlight@gmail.com.