Dear Auntie MacKenzie,
An acquaintance is giving signals he’s interested in me. I’m flattered, but I have some warning flags up. It could just be me being old- fashioned. He always asks me out at the last minute, flirts with a lot of women and his sincerity seems to be lacking. I haven’t dated in about 20 years. Have things changed that much?
Good for you and your instincts!
Dating has changed, but not so much that the things that are nagging you are OK. There are still some common courtesies that apply here. If you can tell he’s flirting with other woman, it shows that he’s not thinking of you alone, which is no way to start a relationship. Calling you at the last minute means he thinks you have nothing else to do, but him.
Have you ever read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You?” Too many women are misled by the starry-eyed myth that men are “diamonds in the rough.” It’s OK for them to behave badly. Because the love of a good woman makes them become better men, often by giving up their own desires. We are socialized to believe that if we take care of a man, by giving up our own desires for theirs, they will do the same for us too.
Grandma MacKenzie once said, “A man is who he is by his 16th birthday. Don’t enter a relationship expecting him to change, because he won’t, even if it is better for him and he knows it. And if he does seem to change, he’ll only revert back the moment you let up, and he’ll only resent you the whole time you are trying to get him to change. It’s not worth it.”
The depressing thing is that the people who want to change do it on their own, making sure they are not in a relationship. They take time off from them, and work on their relationship issues with themselves. Many people who go from relationship to relationship often leave one partner for another. They aren’t going to get past their issues. Sadly, too many men, in spite of all their protests, just want another Mommy. Some people, however, are worse than others. You know what things to watch out for, for yourself. When you see one, turn and walk away – if you see more than one, run away – no matter HOW deeply involved you are in the relationship.
Now to avoid the idea Auntie MacKenzie is a male basher. Men have their own vulnerabilities too. They often marry women they barely know, feeling that they have to be mature and grown up and then end up miserable because they’re stuck with someone they have nothing in common with. They also love to play the knight in shining armor and take up with women who like to play the little, fragile doll and just want to be taken care of. If you start to hear your friend say things like “She needs me, she’s so fragile,” get ready for the oncoming storm.
So in summary, follow your instincts. If you feel like this guy is, not so much, he’s not. Never go against gut.