(Correlation & Causation)
When god, free will, and happenstance are busy, they call me: John Swamini**
* The biggest little fake-house in the U.S.A.
** Trapped on the tarmac, at the mercy of lightning.
Aries: Stop being so heavy handed with everything you do or else the neighbor kids are going to start calling you names behind your back like, “Heavy Hands,” “Meaty Mitts,” and “Ronnie Garvin.” Also your friends might get fed up with you and call you worse names to your face.
Taurus: If you want something done right, DIY! But if the task is beyond you, there is no shame in enlisting some help. Effective delegation of responsibilities is key. Become a great leader, rise to the challenge, persuade your friends and subordinates to do all the work and then take all the credit and satisfaction. Like I said, DIY.
Gemini: Accomplishments are made because people sit down and do the work necessary. Sometimes that means coming to the realization that you’re not “bored with nothing to do.” Things get done because people do them. Getting started is the hardest part, but suck it up and roll that damn snowball over the hill! You’ll be quite pleased once you get going.
Cancer: Your positive attitude should be used to help others today. Always maintaining a distance of 18-24 inches away from them, do what you can to see that it rubs off on to others.
Leo: This moment and the next several hundred and not the one in which you should lose yourself. Stay focused.
Virgo: Your limits exist to tell you what kind of performance enhancing drugs you need to take and when.
Libra: Time for you to get paid… like a rapper. Stop letting those people with your coin jerk you around with their lame excuses and demand what is yours.
Scorpio: Trying something new means doesn’t make you adventurous, it just means you aren’t trapped in a rut… or you are, and you’re not doing enough to free yourself.
Sagittarius: You can charm a room full of strangers so why are you not taking more advantage of that skill?
Capricorn: You need to be more flexible for now, not because your ideas are a bad, but because the rest of the world is full idiots who do not understand your genius and you just need to hold back while they catch up.
Aquarius: Always leave people wanting more. This is sound advice irrespective of the quality of the crap you are shoveling at the world.
Pisces: Dinner out is an ideal date night, because it is time to focus on each other and talk, not bump and grind and get all crunkalicious, which is not a really word, much less something that should be seriously coming out of your too-damn-old-to-talk-that-stupid ass.