Dear Auntie MacKenzie
I started dating a guy and immediately, I’m tiptoeing around the relationship.
It’s not that he’s a bad guy or that he’s being unpredictable. For the first time in a long time, I’m ecstatic about a man I’m dating. And because this sensation occurs so infrequently, it’s really got me in a tailspin.
So even though you like your new guy as much as anyone else in recent recollection, even though things have been nothing short of flawless for these first two weeks, you feel a pit of horror in your guts. You start to think, “What’s going to happen? When is it going to happen? Is he into a long-term relationship?” And my personal favorite, “I never want to waste my time on the wrong person ever again.”
No one should assume that the one they’re dating is stable, committed, and relationship-oriented. But, unsurprisingly, you want to diminish your chances of getting hurt. Unfortunately the result of being fearful and intense, and tiptoeing around, is YOU start to obsess. When they don’t call. You ask your friends what it “means” when they say; “Good bye” versus “Good night.” You can’t sleep, trying to figure out when you will see them next. You become anxious. You want to be loved so much, but you’re so afraid of getting hurt that you’ve turned yourself into a ghost of who you are.
What to do? It sounds simple but it’s not. You just have to learn to focus more on the present. “Doing something” means you’re trying to keep your emotional bind alive, to prod him into calling you, seeing you, committing to you. It’s Thursday night and he hasn’t called to see you for the weekend? Let it go. You been dating for a few weeks and his profile is still up on match.com? Let it go. It seems to make more sense to call or text so he doesn’t lose interest in you. But it’s counterproductive to what you are trying to accomplish. Continually trying to prod someone to act only lets him know you’re desperate and needy, and you don’t trust that he knows what’s good for himself. The truth is, if you’re right for each other, no one needs to be prodded. People don’t like to be sold. Anything you do to amp up the pressure for him to make a decision is just going to compel him to leave. The opposite of want you want.
It’s not about finding out in the first week whether he wants to live in the city or the country, or hoping he says “I love you” in a month. Those are things to be dealt with later. Right now, have fun. Laugh. Fool around. Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy the moment. Not everyone can know if you’re “the one” after one date. The best part is the roller coaster ride. The right person will cowboy up and commit to you in the first couple of months. The wrong one never ups their efforts and keeps you as a booty call.
For now, enhance your boyfriend’s life and don’t provide emotional drama when it’s unnecessary. You just focus on making your present so great that he can’t wait to see what’s going to happen in the future. Just decide how long you want to invest in a relationship. If it’s not going the direction you want by then end it and try again. Roller coaster rides are exhilarating for a reason. You never know what to expect.