C&C Astrology* Factory
(Correlation & Causation)
When god, free will, and happenstance are busy, they call me: John Swamini**
* bad idea
** good idea
Aries: In this wacky world of makeup, camera tricks, and deceitful lying jerk-wads, it is hard to tell when you’re being hornswoggled or when things are on the up and up. Best to keep indoors this week.
Taurus: Some financial analysts tell investors to plan for the long term rather than trying to make a quick buck at a higher risk. Well, I am no financial analyst, but if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I would be pissed at my guy for that advice.
Gemini: It’s great to embellish a little bit when telling a story to your friends. Just remember: being the momentary center of attention makes it ok to lie.
Cancer: All the best ideas and greatest inventions have happened because of an eccentric loon who just whipped something up after a weekend bender. Hard work, preparation, and peer reviews are for chumps.
Leo: You’re going to hit it out of the park this week Leo. Make sure you gloat endlessly, rubbing your awesomeness in the face of everyone you see. People love a winner.
Virgo: You’re sharp as a tack today. And your butt is as bony. Eat a sandwich. Eat two.
Libra: Now is not the time for being magnanimous. Revenge is a dish that is best served, not left on the counter to get cold.
Scorpio: You’re feeling the need for speed. In moments like this, you cannot do better than speed.
Sagittarius: God gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth because your ears are way weaker than your mouth. It’s time to stop listening, make a mouth fist, and talk punch.
Capricorn: You cannot escape your past unless you travel back in time and eliminate yourself, which would suck. So if you cannot shake your reputation, consider identity theft.
Aquarius: You are feeling oddly domestic this week. If you entertain any of these urges, wear an apron, because you’re going to make a mess because you’re not normally domestic and probably do not excel at cooking and baking. Go for it, but protect your clothes.
Pisces: That stupid idea you have been bottling up forever… time to open the floodgates and let the crazy out.