C&C Astrology* Factory

Frivolity Horoscopes

(CORRELATION & CAUSATION)

WHEN GOD, FREE WILL, AND HAPPENSTANCE ARE BUSY, THEY CALL ME: JOHN SWAMINI**

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

A lesson the animated Transformers movie didn’t tell us: The misunderstood scamp, Unicron “the devourer of worlds” who ate entire planets, was still prone to robot indigestion.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

There is no point in having a store if you don’t put it in the window. You know what I’m sayin’? A nod is as good a wink; a wink is as good as a nudge…

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

You just entered an emotional decathlon. Despite your urges, you’re going to not want to medal in any of the following events: hair pull for agony, the triple wall punch, or the high jump in blood pressure.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)

It is a good time for you, make the most of it. For topical inspiration, the US advanced to the round of 16, while defending champs Italy, well… get to go back to Italy. But make the most of your good fortune and try not to screw up the next game like the Americans will. Go U.S.A.

Libra (Sep 23- Oct 22)

If only there was as good a rhyme as “turn that frown upside down” for your situation. All I have got is “lose that smirk, jerk” and that is not being productive or healthy, so disregard that and maybe listen to Paul Simon.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

We don’t want your friends dubbing you “tension rod”, so let’s focus on some relaxing activities this week. I find methodically plotting my enemy’s downfall to be the needed Calgon.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

My aunt Doris was once a lion tamer. There were times when all the whip cracking in the world would not get those lions to walk tightropes, play bicycle horns with their noses, or whatever circus fare was en vogue at that time. Don’t resort to the cattle prod and blow torches like my aunt Doris did.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You are going to struggle this week Capricorn, but unless you fail to suck it up and overcome, some people might laugh at you and demean you. The world is a cruel place.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Everyone around you is going to be plotting and working against you. Trust no one with secrets and follow your gut reaction.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Go and be a social butterfly, but refrain from referring to yourself as one or getting one tattooed on any part of you, ever.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

In early summer, between cans of Stegmaier, my uncle Zeke would impart this little nugget of wisdom on me: “Wish in one hand. Then punch the hell out of that hand with your other hand till you smarten up and quit wasting time.”

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

Don’t think of an elephant.

* Add water, makes its own sauce.

** Avid fan of the Met-RX World’s Strongest Man competition.

Comments are closed