C&C Astrology* Factory
*(CORRELATION & CAUSATION)
WHEN GOD, FREE WILL AND HAPPENSTANCE ARE BUSY, THEY CALL ME: JOHN SWAMINI
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
In some instances, keeping your chin up can just as easily result in you catching a golf ball in the eye, and them some comedian is going to give you the nickname “Divot” which won’t make sense, but will still make tears well in your remaining functional socket.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It is not worth the 2 weeks in jail.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Unless your last name is “Henson”, you should seriously consider delegating some authority in the latest project, rather than pulling all the strings yourself. Oh and your voices suck.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
In this week’s Daryl Hannah moment, you should walk with the cave bear, if only to have something to put between you and Jackson Browne.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Nikita Khrushchev was misquoted. Apparently he was trying to demonstrate the fortitude and tenacity of his country with that shoe banging business. How did that work out for him?
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
A planet did something this week, but don’t worry. It has nothing to do with you, your friends, or anyone else.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
A computer may be able to replace you at your job, but I sure don’t want to hug a piece of metal.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
There is a Russian proverb: The one who dies with the most toys still dies.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
It is not the sound of one hand clapping you are hearing. Someone is trying to slap some sense into you.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
I think it is time you picked out a theme song. If you can’t decide by the end of the week, may I suggest the world’s only Christian-football waltz: “Dropkick Me, Jesus (Through the Goalposts of Life)” by Bobby Bare.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
If it is a written invitation for which you have been waiting… well here you go: Your attendance is cordially requested to immediately STOP PLAYING DRAG-ASS AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR BAZIZNESS.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Some times in order to see the forest for the trees one must take up a sharp axe.
* It might have helped the Stygian Witches.
** Known aliases: HRH Count Guessington, Sir Wrongsalot, and Jasmine Guy.