Dear, We Need to Have a Chat

“Serial monogamy”? “Casual dating”? Really?!

by Auntie MacKenzie, 12/2/09

Dear Auntie MacKenzie,

I’ve always been a serial monogamist even when dating casually. Recently, I started seeing three different people casually. Do I need to tell everyone about each other? It’s all supposed to be casual and it’s awkward to bring up. Doesn’t it make a bigger deal out of it than it is?

P.S., Olympia

Dear P.S.,

What do you mean “casually dating”? There aren’t any strings when you’re in a dating relationship. Exclusivity is for committed relationships and it involves a talk.

However, there is no such thing as a casual sexual relationship. Both sides need to establish boundaries. Are you just using each other to satisfy various physical and emotional needs? Are you leading up to a committed relationship? If you have unclear boundaries, someone is going to get hurt.

You need to decide what you want. If dating all these people is no big deal, why is telling them?

I am all for casual dating, but it might not work for you. Your apprehension suggests that you are less than truthful about your security in being a casual dater. Do you want to continue to date casually? Do you see a deeper relationship with one over another? How you proceed will depend on these answers.

Dear Auntie MacKenzie,

I totally love this guy and we’ve been sleeping together for about a year, but he blows me off the rest of the time. He came over the other night and finally expressed his feelings for me. He told me he cares for me and he wants to start over, repeatedly apologizing for how he treats me. For the first time he spent the whole night with me, but we had plans for the next day and he blew me off. I cried and waited by the phone. He’s so confusing. If I’m with someone else, he gets mad and jealous. What should I do?

D.L., Olympia

Dear D.L.,

Don’t see him again.

You can sit by the phone or you can realize you’ve been played. Jealousy is not love; it’s an emotion for someone who feels out of control.

Sex and love are separate beasts. You’ve been his booty call or you’re scratching an itch — call it whatever you like. You can tell if someone cares for you by how they behave, not by what they say.

I can say, “I’m the Pope!,” but I’m not standing here in a funny hat.

I’m sure if you confront him, he’ll tell you all the things you want to hear. What better way to keep you all to himself. That way him can fulfill he own needs whenever he wants. I can understand wanting to be loved, but you’re paying a heavy price for it. You haven’t opened yourself up to anyone else loving you, because of your feelings for him.

If you are a lovable person you will be loved again and again. The way to be a lovable person is to love yourself. I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s true.

Send your urgent and/or desperate questions for Auntie MacKenzie to:

olympiapowerandlight@gmail.com